When You Get That Feeling

Kaylie Ray Lenowski blew a large Hubba-Bubba at Sally Jesse Raphael and then picked the splatter pop of pink off of the top of her nose. Eric (Ricky for short) was seated alongside her on the baby blue sofa. He was methodically dismantling his teddy bear, eyes first.

“Is your child being exposed to a Satanic cult?” Sally asked her audience.

Ricky’s pupils flared a pale yellow and Kaylie saw some light bubbles forming under his skin, popping up like baking pizza cheese. She prodded one with an acrylic nail and it burst, creating a small acid burn on the cushion. 

“Shit, Ricky,” she said. “We just got this sofa on Monday.”

The 40-inch television had also arrived Monday. Kaylie had been watching it for three days straight. Since having Ricky, she hadn’t had to work at the Amoco station anymore. Kaylie wasn’t used to having so much free time or having her bills paid off. She turned the volume up a couple of notches so that the sound boomed out of the speakers they’d installed in the corners near the ceiling. 

“Gnarly,” she said, blowing another bubble.

“That’s right, a Satanic cult. You might think that’s a silly question, but our guests today are going to tell you about some experiences that they’ve had with Satanism. They’re going to show you that evil might exist right next door.”

Ricky started to cackle in a deep baritone and Kaylie pinched him on the little fat roll above his diaper line. Ricky was supposed to be two-and-a-half, but in Ricky-time that didn’t mean much. Ricky gestured at the television set in a dismissive manner.

“Phonies,” he said.

“Some of us are trying to enjoy this,” Kaylie stated with a bit of condescension.

She blew another bubble and snapped it loudly at him.

“You’re so small and useless,” Ricky said. “So small and dumb. I don’t know why the Dark Lord honored your vagina.”

Kaylie rolled her eyes.

“If you’re so smart,” she said, “How come you shit your pants?”

“I choose it,” he stated flatly. 

Then he shoved the remains of the bear into the sofa corner and laid down on it.

“I’ll have a nap now,” he said. 

Kaylie pulled a crochet blankie over him and he shoved his right thumb into his mouth. Within a sneeze’s length he was already asleep and rumbly snoring. Kaylie pulled the blankie back slightly to avoid it getting singed. Sally was admonishing the audience, telling them not to be too trusting of Halloween parties at your children’s friend’s homes. Kaylie wondered if Sally would still say that if Sally had been able to quit working thirds overnight at a sketchy gas station with any number of serial killers popping up on the local news. Would Sally resent being a sort of Satanic Not-So-Virginal Mary if she was gingerly restocking cigarettes and condoms for the regulars six nights a week? What was wrong with a little Satanic love if it got you a decent car, modern furnishings, and a little control over your life?

Kaylie sniffed her left armpit and decided on a shower. She left the TV on and headed into the bathroom. The new rug in front of the sink absorbed her feet in plush foam.

“Mmm,” Kaylie said, wiggling her pedicured toes. 

In front of the mirror, she disrobed and examined the long leopard tattoo that stretched up the side of her rib cage. She brushed her fingers over its hot, raised surface and, as promised, it led to an escalating tingling sensation across the surface of her skin. She felt it everywhere. She ran her fingers over the leopard harder, more insistently. 

The Dark Lord appeared before Kaylie, along with a smell somewhat like wood chips and an old-fashioned cocktail set on fire. 

“I missed you,” Kaylie said.

She batted her eyelashes a bit and tried to squeeze her A cups together in a way that might render them a bit more alluring. The Dark Lord sighed. 

“Of course you have,” she said. “I’ve bred you and used your body for my purposes. The boy demon you’ve named ‘Eric’ thrives because I’ve marked you with my tattoo and linked pleasure to it. With a few cheap thrills, you are a loyal conduit—docile and committed to nurturing my progeny.”

“Ricky is mine too,” Kaylie whined.

The Dark Lord stretched out her hand.

“Come here,” she said. “Let’s get you serviced. That’ll quiet you.”

Kaylie stepped forward, gazing into the Dark Lord’s red irises, scintillating like lava. She felt her own blood spurting on a circuit throughout her entire body.

“Yes,” the DL cooed. “There’s my little pet.”

The leopard tattoo bit, snarled, and writhed along Kaylie’s side. Her nipples darkened hotly.

“Oh,” she laughed. “You really are excited, aren’t you my dear?”

She brushed her bony fingers over Kaylie’s long, crimped blond hair before gripping it and shoving Kaylie to her knees. Kaylie whimpered at the pain jolting through her legs.

“Do a good job and I’ll reward you,” The DL said. 

The shiny black vinyl of her pants melted into sticky tar and the flesh below was revealed—in place of the DL’s legs two long pythons were hissing and wrapping around Kaylie until her face was shoved into the place of their joining at the top. It wasn’t a vagina, exactly. Something more like a portal sat there, swirling, a rim of heat glowing blue and orange like a gas stove burner. Kaylie licked into the center, and it trapped her tongue and pulled it so hard that she gagged.

The DL boomed out a laugh and her orifice pushed and pulled Kaylie’s tongue in rapid succession as the pythons squeezed out the last of her breath. As Kaylie blacked out, DL convulsed, setting off Kaylie’s smoke alarm and exploding all of her major appliances. 

This woke Ricky and he intruded to find the DL yawning and lax while his mother-ish person was laid out nude and unconscious.

“I was having a nap,” he said peevishly. “You had to do that right now?”

“Get lost,” the DL said. “Go do your petty little tricks. I have to revive her and give her her little pleasure reward.”

Ricky shuddered.

“Disgusting,” he said, “And I’ll have you know that you obliterated the Frigidaire.”

When the Dark Lord ignored his grievances, he set off for a sandwich in the kitchen. Something tall and delicious and stacked with processed meats. 

Kaylie, awakened by a slap that both bruised and burned her cheek, eagerly crawled closer to the DL.

“Please,” Kaylie said, softly.

The leopard slid down her side, lifting its tail and haunches. The DL slowly squatted and took Kaylie by the throat, pinning her head back against the linoleum floor. 

“Shhh,” the DL cooed. “Shhh.”

Kaylie lay still, her eyes unable to move from the DL’s pupils. The DL used the pythons to slide Kaylie into a scissor and used her portal like a pump, rocking against Kaylie a handful of times until Kaylie’s orgasm began. The DL could feel Kaylie’s little puddle of arousal, her small spasms. She pumped her a few more times and then let go. Her work completed, the DL vanished. She was never much impressed with the sexual responses of humans, which were so meager compared to her own supernatural responses. However, Kaylie hovered close to death for a moment, so intense was her pleasure. Then, gasping and sputtering, she regained herself.

She went back into the living room to find Ricky rolling in cold cuts on the carpet. 

“You want to go to the park?” she asked.

The credits were rolling on Sally Jesse. The audience was beating together their hands, faces set in righteous fervor. 

“I’d like to deuce down the slide,” he said. “Okay, let’s go to the park.”

Kaylie sighed. It was awkward with the other mothers when he behaved that way. She hit her hair with some Aquanet and spit out her gum into the trash can. 

“Let’s roll.”

Ricky levitated into the stroller and sealed his own belt tight over his ducky shirt and navy sweatpants. 

Outside, the sun warmed her face and bare arms. Her body felt loose and good, same as it had the night that she’d been bred at the Def Leppard concert. She’d smoked a little weed in the parking lot with Tina and they’d gotten separated because they were both high and not paying attention. Kaylie had ended up pretty close to the stage and the Dark Lord was pressed up behind her. Maybe it was the weed or maybe she’d just wanted a good time, but when she felt the DL rip the seam of her leggings open, she hadn’t resisted. Instead, Kaylie had let herself be inseminated right there on the general admission floor while the audience around her shouted out the lyrics to “Hysteria.”  Of course, she hadn’t known that the woman’s deft fingers could impregnate her. That revelation came later, alongside a really decent Buick Skylark, custom painted in “Peach Fantasy” and done up with white leather interior. 

Kaylie placed a fresh Hubba Bubba cube on her tongue and pushed Ricky down the sidewalk toward the park. 

“You know,” Kaylie said, “I think meeting the DL gave my life a real boost. The rent’s paid. We have cable. I’m not alone anymore. And I’m finally having really good sex. I guess it was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Ricky picked up a squirrel, unhinged his jaw, and ate it whole.